Horror Creature BBQ? Fresh Sushi?

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Okay, so I have to write this. Richard Cartwright on twitter wondered aloud if a certain creature from Scott Sigler's Ancestor would BBQ well. This got me to thinking: what horror movie monsters would be the most fun to consume? What would be the worst? In no particular order, here's my take.


Now I don't know about you, but roadkill, even when it's fresh, is not my idea of good cuisine. First off, I like my meat to be cooked before it falls off the bone. Secondly, any flesh you can literally dip french bread into before consuming is just a huge turn off. Zombie pate? That's a little sick and wrong even for me. So while their stomachs are growling for your juicy bits, I don't recommend following their example. Besides, when was the last time those things took a bath??

Monster from Cloverfield

Ah, this might be an entry into the sushi collection. Although we never get too good of a look at the monster, it definitely seems amphibian in nature. If they ever manage to blast the damned thing into bits or kill it outright, we'd have to fly in an entire legion of cajun cooks to properly season those frog legs. But man, think of the sales in Japan and Louisiana alone! Here in Texas, they'd be considered exquisite cuisine. I can just imagine Southern debutantes serving them as appetizers, noses in the air, chortling about how they're enjoying the creature that ate NYC.


Now lets make a distinction here. There are two types of “gremlins.” There's the cute, furry Mogwi before they eat after midnight, and then the lizard (the true gremlins) thing that run around causing mayhem, mischief and general violence.

Now the Mogwi look as though they'd taste like fresh Chinchilla, or hamster. But the idea of eating something that talks and is friendly kind of puts a damper on the whole thing. So for me, I'll take a pass on the furry, cute and friendly Mogwi. Although they'd probably be tasty.

Green, reptile gremlins on the other hand… Well, they'd prolly be like eating alligator. As with the creature from Cloverfield, you just fly in a cajun cook, season that sucker, and make gumbo. As Terry Pratchett once said, cajun cooks can make mud taste good.

Shark from Jaws

Now this is a no brainer. Get a few sushi chefs together or simply export this puppy to Japan. I can't even imagine how big a bowl of shark fin soup you could make from the carcass. Of course, you'd have to get to it before Roy Scheider blew it to kingdom come. But hey, as long as we're playing with reality anyway, I'd love to see that thing at the fresh seafood market!

Plant Monster from The Ruins

I'm not a vegetarian by any means, but I do like some vegetables that have “meat” on 'em. Green peppers, broccoli, jalapenos and the like. I don't remember seeing much of this creature except for its leaves and vines which might make an excellent salad. Plus, the fact it consumes protein is a big plus. Not only will you get your vitamins, but after the thing has consumed a small village or two, it should be more protein intense than a freakin' smoothie. Cooking instructions: Boil well! Do not saute!


And finally, to wrap up this discussion, let's consider the Alien. If you haven't seen this terrible, horrible creature, then you've not only been living under a rock, you've been living in the earth's mantle. The alien is the true horror from my youth. Just the commercials scared the shit out of me when I was 9.

That said, I don't recommend eating this monstrosity, whether it be in its egg form, face-hugger, or full-blown monster. Reason? Man, talk about acid reflux! If just the blood from this thing is enough to melt a ship's superstructure, I can't even imagine what that would do in the stomach. It'd be like eating bags and bags of spicy, heavily-salted pork rinds and washing it down with a Mr. Pibb and two gallons of Chunkey Munkey. Definitely not recommended. Not to mention this small logistical problem: what do you cook that thing in?

In closing, I'd like to hear from folk. What are the other horror movie monsters you'd consider eating? Which ones do you think are completely inedible and why? Let me know. I'm interested.


Copyright, Screwing the Disabled, and The Success of a New Business Model

From Cory Doctorow, author of Little Brother, comes this. Essentially, the article points out that the Obama administration, along with other corporate interests, are trying to ensure that a world-wide copyright treaty fails. Basically, the idea is that media that can be presented in digital form (via text-to-speech, audio only, etc) for the blind and otherwise reading-disabled, should be shared across borders more easily. Now, in doing this, of course, the big media giants have to give up some rights in the long-term. What do they have to give up? Control. It's amazing to me that while we watch the traditional media (newspapers, book publishers, and magazines) go out of business at an alarming rate, these corporate idiots (are you listening, RIAA? You scum sucking maggots) continue to eschew any change in their revenue models or move with the technology. Either they have Drooling Idiot Executives (DIE) running the businesses who are in their f'ing 60-80s, or they just can't figure out how to game the system. I bought 5 books yesterday from Amazon. Two of 'em were POD (print on demand) books, and four out of five were free podcasts (like my own work). I gave the authors some love. They create content I like. They deserve to get paid. I do exactly the same thing with music. And I love indie artists (regardless of media type) because they are doing what they love for the promise of very little money. I too am in that mold. It's why I'm involved in open-source. It's why I LOATHE all things microsoft. It's why I give my stuff away for free (of course, that's all it's worth). I don't have dreams of making a whole lot of cash in this life. Things like my own happiness and ideals are much more important to me. So the corporations are scared to death of people like us, the free content creators. They want to say we suck, because we don't have their approval and because if we give our stuff away, it must not be worth anything. The signal to noise ratio is very small on the net. This is very true. And there's going to be a lot of crap out there. But you know what? When I go into a bookstore (rarely happens, these days) or a traditional media outlet or listen to the radio (nearly NEVER happens), all I see and hear is crap, crap, crap. The music industry spends its budget on marketing one hit wonders. The book people find some person they think is going to be good on author photos and writes general audience, accessible, meaningless shit and then spend all their money on them. And microsoft keeps churning out the same damned os with copied eye candy, and the same damned product over and over again that gets more bloated and useless with every release. And people keep buying this crap! So for me, the signal to noise ratio in the world in general is very damned small. But since I discovered the world of podcast fiction, and the content creators out there who have succeeded in not only gathering large followings, but are also making money doing it, I've realized we've opened up a new world of possibilities. I'm not against making money. I hope one day to make enough money off of donations and people buying POD or DTP versions of my work that I can one day quit working for Drooling Idiot Executives. But I'm always going to provide the podcasts for free. Always. I think I'm also going to provide the e-book versions for free as well. But you're more than welcome to buy the kindle versions or apps through the iTunes app store. 😀 So retweet, blog, or email the stuff at the top. This is important. Whether you agree or disagree with the problem of world-wide copyright, and the ability for the disabled to get easier access to digital media, please make sure others get hold of this. Discuss it. Figure out where you stand. And let the Obama administration and our idiot Congress KNOW where you stand on it. Cheers.