|Submitted by Paul Elard Cooley on Tue, 06/23/2009 - 13:09|
Okay, so I have to write this. Richard Cartwright on twitter wondered aloud if a certain creature from Scott Sigler's Ancestor would BBQ well. This got me to thinking: what horror movie monsters would be the most fun to consume? What would be the worst? In no particular order, here's my take.
Now I don't know about you, but roadkill, even when it's fresh, is not my idea of good cuisine. First off, I like my meat to be cooked before it falls off the bone. Secondly, any flesh you can literally dip french bread into before consuming is just a huge turn off. Zombie pate? That's a little sick and wrong even for me. So while their stomachs are growling for your juicy bits, I don't recommend following their example. Besides, when was the last time those things took a bath??
Monster from Cloverfield
Ah, this might be an entry into the sushi collection. Although we never get too good of a look at the monster, it definitely seems amphibian in nature. If they ever manage to blast the damned thing into bits or kill it outright, we'd have to fly in an entire legion of cajun cooks to properly season those frog legs. But man, think of the sales in Japan and Louisiana alone! Here in Texas, they'd be considered exquisite cuisine. I can just imagine Southern debutantes serving them as appetizers, noses in the air, chortling about how they're enjoying the creature that ate NYC.
Now lets make a distinction here. There are two types of "gremlins." There's the cute, furry Mogwi before they eat after midnight, and then the lizard (the true gremlins) thing that run around causing mayhem, mischief and general violence.
Now the Mogwi look as though they'd taste like fresh Chinchilla, or hamster. But the idea of eating something that talks and is friendly kind of puts a damper on the whole thing. So for me, I'll take a pass on the furry, cute and friendly Mogwi. Although they'd probably be tasty.
Green, reptile gremlins on the other hand... Well, they'd prolly be like eating alligator. As with the creature from Cloverfield, you just fly in a cajun cook, season that sucker, and make gumbo. As Terry Pratchett once said, cajun cooks can make mud taste good.
Shark from Jaws
Now this is a no brainer. Get a few sushi chefs together or simply export this puppy to Japan. I can't even imagine how big a bowl of shark fin soup you could make from the carcass. Of course, you'd have to get to it before Roy Scheider blew it to kingdom come. But hey, as long as we're playing with reality anyway, I'd love to see that thing at the fresh seafood market!
Plant Monster from The Ruins
I'm not a vegetarian by any means, but I do like some vegetables that have "meat" on 'em. Green peppers, broccoli, jalapenos and the like. I don't remember seeing much of this creature except for its leaves and vines which might make an excellent salad. Plus, the fact it consumes protein is a big plus. Not only will you get your vitamins, but after the thing has consumed a small village or two, it should be more protein intense than a freakin' smoothie. Cooking instructions: Boil well! Do not saute!
And finally, to wrap up this discussion, let's consider the Alien. If you haven't seen this terrible, horrible creature, then you've not only been living under a rock, you've been living in the earth's mantle. The alien is the true horror from my youth. Just the commercials scared the shit out of me when I was 9.
That said, I don't recommend eating this monstrosity, whether it be in its egg form, face-hugger, or full-blown monster. Reason? Man, talk about acid reflux! If just the blood from this thing is enough to melt a ship's superstructure, I can't even imagine what that would do in the stomach. It'd be like eating bags and bags of spicy, heavily-salted pork rinds and washing it down with a Mr. Pibb and two gallons of Chunkey Munkey. Definitely not recommended. Not to mention this small logistical problem: what do you cook that thing in?
In closing, I'd like to hear from folk. What are the other horror movie monsters you'd consider eating? Which ones do you think are completely inedible and why? Let me know. I'm interested.